Wednesday, March 6, 2013

What's With All This Seriousity? A Beer Buddha Freak Out.

                               Stolen from somewhere on the internet.  I have no clue where.

It's probably smart of me to preface this blog post with the following statement:   This is my freak out.   I'ma piss some of ya'll off.  And I don't really care.  Oh and there's a lot of the usage of the word fuck.  If you don't like that word do not read on.  This is me sticking up for the regular drinking folks.

I've been doing some serious thinking lately.  Yeah, sometimes that happens.  A lot of this "thinking" came about from reading craft beer articles.  Do's and Don'ts articles,  Must Drink In This Glassware or else articles or even Higher ABV is Better and You're a Pussy If You Don't Like It articles.

Shits getting old and I'm sure I have been guilty in the past of writing shit just like that.  Not any more.  I'm tired of it.  Seriously, who gives a shit what glass you are drinking your beer out of at home?  No one.  Is it your favorite glass/stein/mug?  Good.  Use it.  I don't need a glass specially designed by fucking NASA and costs $200 to drink my beer.

No more beer reviews.  I think my Abita Spring IPA will be the last beer review I do.  Why?  Because it's so goddamn pretentious.  I have trouble writing them.  All I can picture is some douchebag swirling and sniffing his beer.  Fucking shut up and drink the beer.  Do you like it?  Yeah?  Good.  Now shut the fuck up and keep drinking it.  Note:  Bret can keep doing his because he is drunk and in bed doing them.  It's funny.

 I signed up for the corn hole tournament at the New Orleans International Beer Festival this weekend and I am super pumped to be in it.  Beer drinking games and stuff like this are usually reserved for the macro crowd and that sucks.  Why the fuck can't we have awesome games too?  Oh, we can?  FUCK YEAH!  Beer pong I am ready!

To ya'll who say higher ABV is better.  You're wrong.  Having a high ABV beer every once in awhile is great but not all the time.  Gimme my low ABV.  And lot's of em.  Craft breweries take note.  Low ABV is the future.  Just my opinion.

To all of you folks who think hop bombs are the only way to drink and all of us who don't drink that way are pussies?  That's retarded.  I like hoppy beers.  Sometimes.  Not all the time.  I don't want my tastebuds completely destroyed all the time,

Craft beer dinners.  Yeah, this is next.  And yeah, this is where people will get pissed if they aren't already.  Craft beer dinners can be fun.  I have been to a couple that I enjoyed.  That being said I didn't pay for either of them.  $50 for one persons dinner?  As my friend Megan Capone says, "Sweet Creole Jesus"!  I don't like paying $50 for my whole family to eat out.  And $50 is on the LOW end for beer dinners.  I have seen $75 beer dinners.  Holy balls that's expensive!   Even if I were rich I wouldn't pay that much for a one person dinner.  ONE PERSON!  WTF?  I can order a pizza from Midway and bust out beers from my own goddamn collection and save like $30.  And that can feed like 3 damn people!  Good lord.  Not all of us in New Orleans work in IT or Computer Engineering.  I think I may have a Po' Mans Beer Dinner.  It's BYOB.  Bet we have some of the best beers not available in New Orleans too.

And you know what?  I like Yuengling.  I don't need your opinion on how it tastes like shit or isn't craft beer.  What do I care about?   Unlike Bud, Miller or Coors it's from an American owned company and I like it.   I'm drinking it.  Not you.  If you don't like it don't drink it.

I think that's it.  I'm done bitching for now.  I'm sure some of you probably feel the same way on some of these issues.  Some of you will disagree and feel the need to blast me via comment.  Go ahead.  I'll even post your rant about me.  Cause in the end you're proving my point.  I'm beginning to feel like craft beer is taking itself way to seriously.  This is beer not wine man.  I always picture craft beer like Animal House.  Craft beer is the Delta Tau Chi House not the Omega Theta Pi House.  Those guys sucks.


The Beer Buddha


Joel Ohmer said...

LOVE it ... not all of it, but i love it! Stick it to the man, yo! And Yuengling? YES PLEASE!

Geoff said...


I agree on most of your points. I review beers primarily for myself, but lately I've been trying to write them to be more entertaining than just "it has this mouthfeel and aroma" and I've been toying with the idea of just writing the reviews from an every-man's perspective because, honestly, I DON'T know that much about beer tasting, but I know what tastes good vs. what tastes like ass.

Maybe I'll switch from a 5 star system to a GOOD or ASS system.

I think the only thing I get super pretentious about my beer is being served in a chilled glass, regardless of the shape. But, if I forget to ask for a room temp glass and I get a frozen glass, I don't say shit because, whatever. It's still beer and as long as their lines are clean, the beer will still taste good. I can always let it sit for a minute to warm up if it's that big of a deal.

I'll never understand the "MORE ABV!" thing, but I guess that's a hold over from the Jager Bomb crowd, I dunno.

Libellula Jewelry said...

You're not going to get any bitching from me. I agree. I love good beer but I don't make a big deal out of which glass I serve it in and I can't afford beer dinners. I don't want to see beer veer off into the same kind of territory that wine drinkers inhabit--if you know what I mean! BTW: I love wine, too.

Matt said...

I completely agree with your sentiment, if not the tone (hilarious btw), of your post. Several of my "beer buddies" refuse to drink anything that's no craft, and it's a subject we don't discuss because there's no convincing them otherwise. Most of my friends, though, drink both craft and macro, and they (like me) appreciate that there are times and places for all of them.

I think the problem is that the former, craft-only crowd tends to be louder, driven by some holier-than-thou attitude. I do not think they are the majority, however. For most people, drinking from both categories is the default state, so why announce it?

I, like you, also have a hard time "rating" beers, but I do like describing and discussing them, without giving an ultimate "out of 100" or whatever score. To me, it's like discussing any other hobby, like movies, video games or music. To each his own, and we can discuss the merits of all without excluding any.

Smurfe said...

Great post. I do wish you would keep reviewing beers but instead, make up your own rating/tasting system instead of the shit hole pretentious Beer Advocate or Rate Beer system. Stuff like this fucking beer goes great with a pizza, a burger, crawfish or god damn Cheerio's. I find out almost all of my local beer scene from you so I depend on that. I depend on you to find out what is coming to the State. And now, I will prove I am not a Robot and post this gibberish.

Smurfe said...

Oh crap, I forgot. I INDEED agree with the low ABV Craft beers. We need much more. I want to go out and enjoy beers with friends and not have to worry about driving under the influence. This is my main reason of rarely going out. My main reason I can't make the trip to N.O. to The Avenue Pub. I can't afford the hotel room I have to get after a night of fun just to have a few beers. Many brewers are starting to get the hint. i am starting to see quite a few 4% craft beers. Sadly, I don't see them much around here.

Cracker said...

Ha ha yeah I agree with all your sentiments too. A few weeks ago me and a couple of my "non-beer snobbish" buddies started doing beer tastings in my man cave while we watch "bad movies". This week is 4 new beers while watching the greatest movie ever made... Road House. No ratings for the beers, they'll be served in pints, they'll be paired with buffalo wings and by gawd we'll drink as many as we want. Wine snobs ruined the fun of wine decades ago, beer needs to be rescued.

Grant Capone said...

go fuck yourself ;)

Lew Bryson said...

Atta boy!

Anonymous said...

Niiiice. I will see u in the corn hole tourney. Team More Beer Please is taking the whole thing!

Megan B. Capone said...

'Preciate the quote! Also, love this post. It's always good to get out a nice fuck-laden post once in a while.

Sad you won't be doing reviews anymore. I agree with Smurfe, in htat you should -- if you want to -- just write simple little "Oh this is good and tastes like this" or "Oh this got me fucked up" blurbs about the new beers you try.

We depend on our Buddha!

Jordan Grove said...

I agree with this whole post. I wrote something similar a few weeks ago. I'm glad someone of your stature in the beer community came wrote something like this. Cheers, man.